Thursday, 23 June 2016

Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat? Says Nkem Ndem

I started life with the mentality and belief that men are cheats. Maybe because my dad was a polygamous man, and over the years I’ve had male relatives and friends who constantly brag about their two-timing games. In the last few years, though, I have desperately tried to change the conception and instead, believe that fidelity is achievable…and that not all men cheat.

I mean, I know firsthand that with God all things are possible, people can change… but it seems knowledge and life experience have me on a bind. I have rather come to realise a few other things too: Men are not the only cheats, women are huge culprits too.
“True love” is not enough to restrict wandering genitals (yes, this does not only apply to men); and anyone who cheats one time, will most probably do it again, the only clear exception being in the case they were neutered the first time they were caught.
You are probably already shaking your head, ready to vouch for your man or woman and curse me to the ground for sharing my opinions but before you do that, take a pause and continue.
My cousin recently found out his wife was cheating on him again and he came to my mum to seek advice. It so happened that I was in the room. The summary of my mum’s advice was “Be sure before you close that door”. However, she failed to address one particular question my cousin kept asking. “But… I do everything for her, why would she be cheating on me over and over again like this?”
True to his word, his wife had lost her job late last year over a sex scandal with a co-worker, a few months into their marriage. He forgave her and had since been supporting her, never nagging, and giving her everything she wanted. The thing, though, was that in taking care of all of her problems, he was showing her that no matter what happened he would always make it better for her.
In other words, he was showing her that there are essentially no repercussions for her actions. The woman had already spent over eight months loafing around on the couch while he tirelessly sent out her resume for her. He gave her allowance per month to ease her despair of being between jobs, but she instead spent it going to see one of her exes with whom she continuously cheated on her husband. Why would she change when he had not given her cause to stop and question her own behavior? If you had a puppy that continuously pooped on your couch and every time you just cleaned up the couch because “awwwhhh, she is so cute”, why would the puppy ever stop pooping on it? Most importantly, she had a history of cheating; did he really think marriage would change that?
Once a cheat, always a cheat! I remember how he used to brag that he snatched her from a slow dude (he cheated with her on the dude)….please, who is bragging now?
Relationships are extremely complicated. They will always be. However, a sad truth that many must face in relationships is that no one can control what their mate does. Even though you do your best to fulfill their needs, ultimately it is up to them to choose to be faithful to you because it all depends on the kind of person they are.
Yes, any person with a spirit, soul and body, has the natural desire for self-gratification: tasty food, epic “selzing” [Jenifa has ruined me], low-key work, long uninterrupted sleep…maybe a little bit of video games and Rice Krispies. But then, you do not slap your boss when she upsets you because that would get you fired. You don’t eat beef Suya every night before you sleep because you know that would give you a heart attack at the age of 35. You also do not masturbate in church…because, well, Jesus… do I really have to explain that one? You do not do these things because you have greater and more important concerns and you are able to defer your own gratification to meet those concerns. It is basically the same principle that applies to cheating.
Cheating is inherently dishonest and so, an honest person who chooses their own self-gratification will simply end a relationship rather than cheating. A cheat, on the other hand, is a very shallow, selfish person who lacks discipline and so needs to be gratified continuously. Again, cheating, specifically the act of getting away with cheating has an addictive, pleasurable nature – both emotionally and psychologically, so they fail to recognize that the short-term costs of their actions and do not see any long-term benefits to delaying their gratification. This is why they never stop, no matter what the partner does.

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